The Cheesy version of OOTP
by beorn J
Summary: Cheese galore! I dedicate this fan fic to whoever was responsible for the cheesiness of the HP movies. OOTP spoilers. Rated PG for ONE swear word
1. Default Chapter

Cheesy version of OOTP  
  
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me. It was the cheese I swear. I don't own this story. Actually I don't own much. Except some moldy cheese but that's it! *starts to sob*  
  
IT WAS THE CHEESE I TELL YOU. THE CHEESE!!!!!!!  
  
AN beware of the cheese! This is basically making fun of the HP film writers. *shrudder*.  
  
Newayz review!!!  
  
Harry: What a lovely day to be alive. OH just wait. Should I say alive? I mean that might imply to the little kiddies that people die *looks questionly at director who nods*  
  
Harry: Oakie Dokie. Look its my good friend Dudley!  
  
*Dudley walks over. He spots Harry and runs over and gives him a big hug. Harry and Dudley dance together for a while and then decide to walk back home*  
  
DIRECTORS NOTE: the scene where Harry fights the Dementors has been cut so we keep our little kiddies happy.  
  
Back at the Dursley home:  
  
Vernon: Im a disappointed with you Harry for saying that Dudley was a bit overweight. For that I am kicking you out of this house. Well not kick because that is regarded as violence right *looks questionly at director who nods* so I am going to ask you nicely. Please get out of this house.  
  
Harry: *sighs* Ok Uncy Vernon. I am frustrated for this decision but I do not want to appear angry so I will go.  
  
*Harry packs his belongings and goes to walk out of the house. An owl flies in and gives Harry a piece of parchment*  
  
Dear Mr H. J. Potter  
  
It has come to our attention that you have recently insulted a muggle (bless their souls). As you know insulting Muggles is a criminal offence. Ministry officials will soon arrive at your house to give u a soft slap on the wrist and to take away your wand  
  
Harry: Oh bother.  
  
*Another owl flies in and gives Harry a piece of parchment*  
  
Harry-  
  
Dumbledore has just told us what happened. He will fix everything for us since he is a dear old man. Don't leave your Uncle Vernon's House though. No idea why.  
  
From your good friend Arthur Weasley  
  
Harry: I am truly sorry everyone but I cannot go.  
  
*Vernon, Petunia and Dudley sighs*  
  
Harry: I am also sorry for the disturbance the owls have made. I hope you can forgive me  
  
*The Dursley family seem touched by Harrys apology. They race over to him and give him a big*  
  
Everyone: I Love you!  
  
AN: I know I know. I am a monster writing this cheesy fic. Flame away if you want but please leave a review. More coming soon I promise! 


	2. cheese part two number 12 Happymauld pla...

Vernon: We love you so much Harry that we are going to go out and buy you an ice-cream.  
  
Harry: Yay!  
  
*The Dursleys leave but not before giving Harry another big hug and telling him that he can do anything he wants in the house*  
  
Harry: Wow I love life at the moment! But not in a way that could suggest that people die *director nods his approval*  
  
*Harry goes up to his room and has a nap*  
  
*The doorbell rings*  
  
*Harry skips down the steps while singing "always look on the bright side of life"*  
  
*He opens the door*  
  
Moody: Hello Harry  
  
Harry: Hey Mr Moody how are you today?  
  
Moody: Oh can't complain. Just wait a sec. My blue contacts just popped out. *puts them back in*  
  
Harry: Lupin!  
  
Lupin: Hello Harry. Say Harry, just to make sure, whats your favourite colour?  
  
Harry: Pink!  
  
Lupin: *to Moody* It's him.  
  
Moody: I have an idea! Let's go fly on our broomsticks!  
  
Everyone: Yay!  
  
*Everyone jumps on a broomstick*  
  
Harry: Ill just go get my pinkbolt!  
  
Tonks: Wow! You have a pinkbolt! Im still flying an old cleanbrush.  
  
*Harry gets his Pinkbolt and they start flying*  
  
*On the way they do loop-the-loops and have lots and lots of fun*  
  
Director: *while eating some cheese* Hmm I wonder if there is any way that we can add more cheese to the story.  
  
Writer: Ive got it! Lets have the headquaters of the Order of the Pretty- bird inside a giant piece of cheese!  
  
Director: Excellent!  
  
*They arrive at number 12 Happymauld place*  
  
Harry: Hey look it's made out of cheese!  
  
Moody: Shush! Not so loud! That's the headquaters of the Order of the Pretty-bird. We don't want any cheese-eaters to over hear us other wise they will be greedy and eat all the cheese.  
  
Tonks: I wish one of them were here so I could give them a piece of my mind  
  
Lupin: What part of your mind?  
  
*They all laugh appreciatively as they walk inside*  
  
Molly: The meeting is about to begin. Please go and see Ron and Hermione.  
  
Harry: Oakie dokie!  
  
*Harry runs up to see Ron and Hermione and when he sees them he gives them all a big hug*  
  
Harry: So whats Percy up to?  
  
Ron: Oh Percy? Well nothing much. except. well he joined the cheese-eaters. He said that Dad wasn't ambitious enough and that's why we couldn't afford much cheese. So he said that he is going to join the cheese-eaters so he can fulfill his cheesy needs.  
  
Harry: So he's joined Moldy-cheese-mort?  
  
Ron: Yes  
  
Harry: Well bother to him *looks at director* was that too harsh?  
  
Director: Yes it certainly was! Please try to control your characters emotions here! We don't want this film to be classified as PG!  
  
Everyone: Oh no of course not!  
  
AN: CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE. *bows* 


	3. cheese please

AN: The long awaited update to...drumroll please..CHEESY VERSION OF OOTP!!!!  
  
Make cheese not war!  
  
~~~~murder.I mean..insulting trial~~~~  
  
Fudge: I don't like you very much Potter so I'm going to banish you!  
  
Harry: Isn't that off the Lord of the Rings?  
  
Fudge: No!!!  
  
Percy: Mmmm Fudge.  
  
Dumbledore: Look over there! It's Voldemort!  
  
Fudge: I see no evidence of that.  
  
Voldemort: *skips to the Department of Ministries, has a peek inside then walks into the trial*  
  
Voldemort: Hey, Fudge look! I'm right under your nose *sticks head under Fudge's nose*  
  
Fudge: *ignores Voldemort*  
  
Umbridge: I'm evil but I'm good. I try to be good but I do things in evil ways..ah what the heck, IM EVIL! *jumps out window*  
  
Dumbledore: He's innocent! *glares at jury*  
  
Jury: Ok, fine.  
  
Harry: Hey what up Dumbledore? Please talk to me.  
  
Dumbledore: I don't like you!!!*runs off*  
  
Director: Ok I'm back from the shop and.WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MOVIE? Where is all the cheese? Oh no..you've included violence!!! This calls for drastic measures. Bring in the Fluffy bunnies!  
  
*fluffy bunnies appear*  
  
Audience: Aww they are so cute!  
  
Director: Phew! That was so close to being PG. Just wait.not enough cheese.  
  
*thinks*  
  
Director: I've got it! Bring in the cute plot point!!  
  
*Dobby appears*  
  
Dobby: I love you sir, give me a hug, please. *stares into camera with pleading eyes*  
  
Audience: Aww he's so cute!  
  
Director: Bring in the comic relief!  
  
*Fred and George appear*  
  
Director: No you idiots. That's what most Harry Potter fans were looking forward to in this movie. We can't include them.  
  
*Peeves appear out of nowhere*  
  
Director: No! He would bring fun to this movie. Bring in the Red-head!  
  
*Ron walks in*  
  
Ron: Bloody hell Harry!  
  
Director: *sits down in chair and relaxes* Excellent!  
  
Harry Potter books fan: Can you please make this movie fun and exciting?  
  
Director: Certainly not!  
  
Little kid: I want lots of bad actors and bad scripts and lots and lots of cheese!  
  
Director: Sold! To the little kid who will make us the most money!  
  
AN: AHA! The cheese strikes back! If nebody wants to see something in this fic then plz email me with ideas. I will include them if I can. Reviews are good so please.eat cheese :) 


	4. cheesy encounter

AN: This is the scene where Sirius confronts wormtail after he finds out that he betrayed the Potters. I was wondering how the horrible, horrible writers would portray it. Thanx to "Dimgwrthien, Lady of Shadow" For the idea of including a Marauder and for her review!  
  
Sirius: Hey Wormtail! I heard that you betrayed James and Lily. That was pretty rude. I'm going to glare at you *glares rather pitifully*  
  
Wormtail: Yeah well. I'm going to glare at you too!  
  
*They glare at each other for half an hour. Muggles get freaked out so they call 000, or whatever the emergency number is in England*  
  
Fudge: We found out that you guys have been glaring at each other for ages.  
  
Sirius: How did you know?  
  
Fudge: A little bird told me.  
  
Sirius: *brandishes fists at sky* Bother to you Fawkes!  
  
Director: Sirius!  
  
Sirius: Sorry sir.  
  
Fudge: I have an idea. Let's make up a very crazy scene that will make the fans think that Sirius is the bad guy and that Wormtail is a kool little mouse!  
  
Everyone: Ok! Hey! We are talking at the same time.. JINX!!! Ahahahaha.  
  
Fudge: Let's see. Wormtail, you're not very cute so we are going to replace you with a cute mouse and, for some strange reason, let's cut off your toe.  
  
Director: I DON'T THINK SO! THINK OF THE KIDS!  
  
Fudge: Ok fine, Wormtail, make your toe fall off.  
  
*wormtail's toe falls off, I don't know how but it did*  
  
Fudge: Now Sirius we are going to drag you away while you are laughing like a mad man.  
  
Sirius: OK!  
  
*Sirius starts laughing lamely. Woo-hoo, alliteration!*  
  
*The Ministry officials drag him away*  
  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~  
  
Crouch: Sirius? Na he has a funny name, Seriously!  
  
*He starts laughing at his lame joke*  
  
Crouch: Take him away boys!  
  
Sirius: I don't wanna go!  
  
Crouch: No one likes a cry-baby. *to camera* No offence to all you cry- babies out there! *to Sirius* If you were set free you wouldn't be an escaped criminal when you meet Harry in later books would you?  
  
Sirius: No, your point?  
  
Crouch: Well it would be cooler if the so-called criminal turned out to be the good guy wouldn't it?  
  
Sirius: I suppose.  
  
Crouch: My point exactly! So it's off to Askaban for you!  
  
Sirius: Fuck!  
  
Director: If you say a swear word again I will send you to prison!  
  
AN: LOL I included a swear word! YAY! I feel special 


	5. more cheese for you!

AN: Bloody hell! Ron is gonna be in this chapter!*gasp*. I have reviews, I feel special. Ideas can be posted in reviews if you wanna see something. I no this fic has changed from cheesy version of OOTP to just plain old mockery of HP scriptwriters and actors.  
  
Ron: Bloody hell you.you..you..you.you're a werewolf! *gasp dramatically*  
  
Director: No Ron. Don't be stupid, kids wouldn't like that. *thinks* How about.he's a mystical.. Magical.. Mystic.. Magician.. Who.. Turns.. Into a.. dog called..Lassie..every fortnight!  
  
Ron: Okay. Bloody hell you're a mystical, magical, mystic, magician, who turns into a dog called Lassie, every fortnight!  
  
Lupin: *gasp* Yes I am. How did you know that?  
  
Ron: the overly-annoying, badly-acted, annoying, snob who is annoying witch called Hermione told me.  
  
Hermione: *nose high in the air* I AM A SNOB!  
  
Director: *applaud* beautifully done!  
  
Hermione: Shut up!  
  
Director: You can get out of character now.  
  
Hermione: I am out of character! Now excuse me I'm going to walk off with my nose high in the air.  
  
*she walks off set but walks into a wall since she was staring at the ceiling, rather than what was in front of her.*  
  
Director: That's ok we can do this without her. ACTION!  
  
Ron: Bloody hell!  
  
Harry: You are mean, you helped the guy who we all believe murdered (Director: Harry!) I mean. who we all believed was rather rude to my parents!  
  
Ron: Bloody hell!  
  
Sirius: I am not mean! I'm just not very nice.  
  
Lupin: Wow that was lame! No he didn't betray your parents, just JKR described the scene very well and we all believed it was Sirius but, IT WAS THE RAT!! *points at a chair*  
  
Ron: Bloody hell! *gasp*  
  
Sirius: That's not a rat Lupin, it's a chair.  
  
Lupin: Oh okay, what about that *points at Harry*  
  
Ron: Bloody hell! *gasp*  
  
Sirius: No that's the extremely badly acted Harry. He is played by a CRAP actor.  
  
Director: He's not crap, he's just mentally challenged.  
  
Sirius: Yeah that too. No Lupin, a rat is that brown thing that is on Rons shoulder. I have no idea why it is here and why it hasn't run off by now but it is here so let's kill it!  
  
Director: OVER MY DEAD BODY!  
  
Sirius: *mutter* that could be arranged.  
  
Director: What did you say?  
  
Sirius: Nothing.  
  
Director: Another death threat! Not another one, I get enough of them from Harry Potter book fans. Can you believe that they actually want entertaining movies?  
  
Crew: *snigger*  
  
Director: I Know! That's not how movies work, stupid kids.  
  
Harry: Can we focus here? I need to get my nails done; they are getting extremely long and ugly. Oh that reminds me I need to ring Rachel to book my next manicure. I wonder if she could give me some tips on my lame laugh and smile while I'm there. I just don't think they are lame enough.  
  
Sirius: Stop thinking about your looks for once.  
  
Harry: I'll try but I'm not making any promises.  
  
Lupin: Riight. So Harry, meet Pettigrew, evil guy, Pettigrew, meet Harry, good guy.  
  
*they shake hands*  
  
Lupin: Now we are going to kill.I mean. slap you on the wrist!  
  
Harry: No, my dad wouldn't have wanted that.  
  
Sirius: Well ok. This scene is getting lame anyway. To the batmobile!  
  
*they all hop on the batmobile and go zooooom!*  
  
AN: You like? Then review! Sheesh. 


	6. mmm cheese!

AN: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Just a small chapter to keep you reviewers happy.  
  
Director: Trust me. You look fine.  
  
Snape: But-  
  
Director: No buts! Now come on, don't be such a baby.  
  
*Snape walks in wearing a pink frilly dress and a wide brimmed pink hat*  
  
Ron: *shocked* bloody hell!  
  
Hermione: I'm a snob.  
  
Draco: *spits out the 'p'* p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-potter  
  
Dumbledore: *twinkle in his eyes, twinkle twinkle*  
  
Harry: *confused look* *smiles when he sees the camera on him*  
  
Director: *pleased* Brilliant! Now give me a big smile!  
  
*Snapes puts on a forced smile*  
  
Director: Ah heck. We just won't include you much in the movie. Right places everybody!  
  
Director: Now say cheese!  
  
Everybody: Mmmm cheese *smiles*  
  
Director: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand action!  
  
Hermione: I'm a snob! Oh right.umm ...at least they all got on with..at least..umm.. Draco you suck!  
  
Draco: *shocked* No one asked for your opinion you *whisper* mudblood.  
  
Director: Speak up Draco!  
  
Draco: *thinks to himself* should I say it? It doesn't say very nice.  
  
Director: Don't make me come over there! SAY IT!  
  
Draco: Mudblood!  
  
Ron: Bloody hell you said mudblood, which doesn't sound like a very bad insult to me. You'll pay for that. *curses him self, burps slugs*  
  
Draco+Slytherins: *laughs lamely*  
  
Draco: *laughs like a little girl*  
  
Batman: Quick to the batmobile!  
  
*they all go zoom into the horizon* 


	7. carrotsi meanno! cheese!

AN: Guess whose back, back again, cheese is back, tell a friend.... This is the scene in GoF where harry and cedric reach the end of the maze  
  
Harry: Look at the shiny trophy!!  
  
Cedric: You touch it. I've got too much fame already, people only like me cause of my good looks *cries*. They don't care about my personality or attitude to school or even...  
  
*half an hour later*  
  
Cedric:... and Cho doesn't understand, she acts like I don't exist!  
  
Harry: *nodding off to sleep, leans on the trophy*  
  
Wormtail: Harry! Where the hell is Cedric?! Go back and get him, we need to kill him!  
  
Director: Be nice Wormtail, or ill stick you back in your cage!  
  
Wormtail: Ok...umm...Harry? Can you please go back and get dear old Cedric because we need to kill...umm no not kill....umm we need to give him a present. Yes that's it! Got out of that one pretty well.  
  
Harry: *still drowsy* Yes sir... *touches trophy*  
  
Cedric: My dad is so cruel to me! He doesn't love me anymore-  
  
Harry: Cedric! Shut up for a second and listen! You need to come and get your present.  
  
Cedric: *lights up* Present?  
  
Harry: Yes present, come on.  
  
*they both touch the trophy*  
  
Cedric: Where's my present?  
  
Wormtail: *evil laugh* Here it is! *kills Cedric*  
  
Director: Wormtail!  
  
Wormtail: Oops sorry...ummm... *reverses time* Cedric! Who wants a doggy treat?  
  
Cedric: Me me!!  
  
Wormtail: Go fetch Cedric *chucks a doggy treat into the horizon, Cedric chases after it*  
  
Wormtail: Damn. I didn't leave a doggy treat for me...  
  
Voldemort: Shut up wormtail and come resurrect me!  
  
Wormtail: Oh right. *resurrects voldemort*  
  
Voldemort: Wormtail... why do I only have one arm?  
  
Wormtail: Well you see...the thing about that is...RUN! *runs off*  
  
Harry: *Pointing at a point behind voldemort* Wow look at that, it's the key to immortality  
  
Voldemort: *turns around* Where?!  
  
*Harry runs off and eats some doggy treats* 


End file.
